2024 Review

Lots of steps forward over the year, downgrading my fears into more childlike forms.

1) Fear of not being good enough

Learning to be less driven, more gentle with myself. Like everyone I make mistakes and that is OK. I am not a tight rope walker, in constant danger of falling off. Instead I am like Alfie (illustration by Shirley Hughes)  going through life putting my feet in puddles or mud.

It is fine, FUN even, to be bad at stuff (least experienced in cello group, less strong, less fit one in exercise class)

2) Total despair about the world

This passes with a morning walk. I am chicken licken fearing the sky falling on my head.

3) Hypervigilance / paranoia

Hypervigilance was a realistic fear (at the time) of my stepmother who I now categorise as Count Olaf in disguise as a woman, myself as Violet Baudelaire, (from Lemony Snicket’s book Series of Unfortunate Events, illustrations by Brett Helquist). And the Langthorne family from the Ozark series are a useful metaphor for the whole second family who I just want to keep my distance from.

4)  Fear of rejection

Once I get beyond the feeling that everyone (in the world) hates me, I can recognise that it is an over the top reaction, and call it Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m going to go and eat worms. (Illustration “Worm One of Ten” (2011), by Maximilian Toth)

And in the way my aunt was like a piece of stilton, I am like a pyttipanne dish from my favourite cafe, not to everyone’s taste, but I like myself and some people like me too.

It is realistic that some people can make hurtful comments at times but that usually says more about them than it does about me.

Some social situations are like jumping into cold water with a realistic likelihood of getting occasional (mild) jelly fish stings but also can be fun and enjoyable. One person triggers “golden child “ issues with me (me NOT being the golden child obviously!)

Other social situations are more like having to deal with extreme heat, so need to take precautions and be aware of own boundaries (places to retreat to, step away from too much noise, take my own food etc)

5) Anger as a protective energy

Anger was a very useful reaction in the past to fear and vulnerability. Now I need to be careful as I can project it outwards onto useful scapegoats. I’m currently exploring releasing it in boxing, which feels very good.