Boxing helped.
I thought it would be a good idea to do a review of my birthday, at least I can reread it prior to next year.
Overall, it was good to go through my long term emotional difficulties prior to the event. Good to go into the bunker and take a look around.
Sadness, deep sadness and then anger laid on top.
On the actual day I found my autistic side struggled with it mainly.
I struggle with being the centre of attention and having a disruption of my routine.
I enjoyed having a nice cake, my husband made my “fantasy cake”, the cake my inner 8 year old wanted, pink icing and white chocolate mice. I had a traumatic memory of being publically told I was a thief when I was 5 for eating a chocolate mouse in a sweet shop. This was a way of celebrating this as an “amusing incident” instead of a shameful event.
I found phone calls difficult to take, I wanted to speak properly to each of my children rather that keeping it brief, so started to get more and more stressed. It settled eventually.
I struggled with the gift opening, disliking every one, even the ones I had personally selected! I came round by the next day to actually liking them. Gifts are still difficult obviously!
I knew I had boxing at the end of the week and I looked forward to that and punched my hardest throughout.
Bizarrely, after not getting a birthday greeting since I was in my teens......my actual father sent me a short, casual, birthday greetings email, 3 days late. We are not in contact but I knew he had my email. A “gift” from him, actually having to deal with all the emotions it triggered.
Firstly, concern for him (classic trauma abuse response), guilt that I could hardly bear to read it and had to swiftly delete it.
Then reminding myself that this casual, no big deal response is what he always has done.
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE was the thought I just had to hold onto.
Sadness, tightness in my chest, tearfulness, followed by boxing the hell out of myself.
Overall good, steps forward.
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